In this blog I frequently talk about tools and ideas to help people find a way to achieve a goal or shift a perspective. Well, today I am writing a blog to myself. I am hoping that as I go through this process I will find some answers for myself. I have teenage sons. Often times I am on the ball and my home is a well-oiled machine where we have balance and harmony, fun and laughter. Unfortunately, this is not one of those times.
About a month ago my 17 year-old decided he was an adult and no longer had to come home, tell me what he was doing or where he was going. Some nights he would simply choose to stay out and not come home. As time has gone on he is getting worse and more disrespectful.
This past week has been especially trying. He has chosen to not come home for the past 3 days and I have just now found out where he has been. I have been sitting at home since Monday feeling frozen and unable to do anything but wait for resolution to come. I have been wondering what I can do in this place of uncertainty, unknowing and fear. How can I support him, love him and still live my life, function and accomplish all the things I need to do?
Well, there are a few things I have come up with. I want to share them with you because I believe that we, as humans, have a tendency to get stuck when things get hard. We freeze, fight or fly and these options may not be useful. What can we do that will be truly productive in getting the life we want and reaching our goals? These are the steps have I found useful.
The most important thing I need to do is breathe. No, seriously, just take a moment and breathe, nothing else. I make an effort to do this without wondering what will happen, or what to do next. I don’t multi task, I just intentionally breathe. I take the time to be present in my body and still in my mind. As I let myself breathe, I release the tension I am holding in my body and let go of the fear and attachment to outcome.
I ask myself what I need, have I eaten, showered, etc. I make sure my basic needs are provided. If there is nothing I need at that moment I go about my day. The place I get stuck is in a feeling of “I don’t know what to do”. I know the dishes need to be done, laundry washed and folded, appointments need to be made with clients, blogs written, the list goes on. But I sit there stuck, what do I do? So I have found it useful to make a list. Today I need to…. There is no wondering what needs to be done it is written down in black and white. I do what needs to be done one thing at a time.
Of course these are the things that I do after I have asked myself what I can do in this situation to change the current circumstances or help foster resolution that is beneficial on all levels. In this particular case I can ask myself what my son needs, what is he missing, what is creating this behavior and how can we come to a better place where he is safe happy and feels loved and supported?
Lastly, I allow myself to be where I am and feel what I feel. I started with writing about letting go and I end with acceptance. I don’t try to deny any part of the process I am going through. I allow whatever needs to come up. I am present with myself. And when I find these things difficult I return to my breath.