I was talking with a friend the other day and she mentioned how I love fiercely. I love that! Yes, I love fiercely. I will fight, emotionally, spiritually, energetically for anyone I love. Do you need someone to have your back? I am there. Do you need holding? Got it! I will love you fiercely! Sometimes, when helping support someone they may choose to walk away. At these times I still love fiercely but from a distance. Sometimes I just need to let go of a person and their situation so they can follow the path that is meant for them. Sometimes I just need to detach…with love.
My son, who I referred to in a blog recently, has chosen a path away from me. I want to save him, I want to love him fiercely, I want to help him see how detrimental his choices are to the life he wants to lead. In the other blog I talked about holding space for him and his process and being present for what is happening. Since then he has made different and more detrimental choices and all I can do is let him know I am here and I love him.
It can be so hard to detach from someone. We naturally want to fix the situation, love the person and get them to see things our way. It is not your job to fix anyone, no matter how broken you may think they are. I like to think of it as letting the person know that I love them and I need to love myself more. So as I watch him from a distance I remind him I am here and I love him and I allow myself to not be enmeshed in his dysfunction.
One of the important things of detaching with love is to remember that you have needs separate from the other person. There may be times that detaching means you need to choose yourself over the other person. Even though you may need to make that hard decision it does not mean that you don’t love them. Detaching with love gives you the ability to love the person, not their behavior and allow them to take responsibility for their actions.
Sometimes the way you support the person you are detaching from may have financial and physical ramifications. Remember, this is not your responsibility. Your first responsibility is to yourself and whatever additional struggle the person may encounter is a direct result of their actions. Separating yourself emotionally can help you recognize where their responsibility begins and yours ends.
I will not tell you that this is easy. With my son, MY SON, I find myself wanting to save him from himself. I continually remind myself that he is an individual with his own life and I know the lessons he learns from taking ownership of his actions will help him throughout his life. As he walks away from his family I remind him that his family is here and he can choose something different whenever he chooses.
It is also important to remember that you cannot control anyone else’s behavior. We all make our own choices and to change, an individual needs to make the choice to change for themselves otherwise a core change will not take place. Therefore, you need to know that you can only change yourself and the lessons you can learn through the process can be as transformative as the lessons the person you are detaching from has to learn.
If you are going through a situation that is challenging your ability to love yourself above others and get your own needs met, I encourage you to seek support that will help you find the tools to detach with love.