Look Within, that is where your wisdom is.

Lately I have noticed that all my blogs are intertwined.  I have written about making boundaries, loving yourself, healing the inner child, looking at cleaning up your side of the street among other things.  There is so much to write about these topics and so many perspectives from which to view them.   Today I again want to talk about looking within, but this time I want to talk to you about looking within in order to find your own wisdom.  Recently someone asked me if there were any books or YouTube videos I could recommend that would fix their issues and problems.  Nope, sorry, there are no simple fixes to healing.

Don’t get me wrong, there are many books, teachers and videos that can inspire you and spark a flame with in.  These things do not heal you.  You heal you.  My most influential teacher is Alisa Starkweather and going through her program Priestess Path (a women’s mystery school) has helped me grow into the person I am.  Through my interactions with her and going through the process of her program I was given the opportunity to learn tools and models to integrate into my healing.  She is an amazing facilitator but I had to do the healing.  I had to look at my beauty and my ugly, my present, past and future, my dishonesty and my shortcomings; only through doing this was I able to heal.

Yes, find a teacher, a life coach, a therapist, these people can help you process your healing, they can help point out healing that needs to take place.  Remember, when it comes down to it, it is only you who can heal you.

Make the choice – Decide you are ready to change your life.  Healing will change your perspective, change your story and
change your dynamics with yourself and others.  Making this choice means you no longer accept excuses from yourself, you let go of limiting thinking that hinders your progress and you take one step at a time towards your future.

Allow the fear and release it – Is this withinpicscary? YES!!!!!  Anytime we step out of our comfort zone it is scary.  This is the fear that stops us from healing and stops us from changing.  Remember there is always choice.  Take one step forward, take one step back and then take a step forward again.    Ask yourself, is it worth walking through this fear in order to get to your healing?  If it is worth it (I always think it is) then allow yourself to feel the fear and keep walking forward anyway.  After walking through your fear you find your truest self.

Be committed to your process – As I stated above you may take one step forward and one step back but keep stepping anyway.  There are times along the road where a lot of your issues get stirred up and you may find yourself acting out on behaviors that do not serve your greatest good, keep going.  All the gunk may be getting stirred up, this can serve to show you what needs to be cleaned up.  This is a sign you are heading in the right direction.

Own your stuff –   Ok, this can be a touchy area.  If you were abused, I am not saying to own that.  I am saying that it is up to you, to heal from the abuse.  Sometimes victims get stuck in the abuse paradigm, waiting for the abuser to heal you is not beneficial.  The abuser may make amends or go away but it is still your job to take care of yourself and give yourself the healing you deserve.

More owning your stuff – frequently because of our past we develop coping mechanisms and behaviors which are detrimental to ourselves and people in our lives.  Own your stuff, admit where you are wrong, look at changing behaviors in order to live a happier life.

Heal – This is where the real change comes.  Looking at your past, the reality of what has happened and how it has affected you is where you shift the things that are limiting you and holding you back.

I get that this is easier said than done.  I have cried countless tears though healing and there have been times where I have stopped dead in my tracks not wanting to take one more step forward on the journey.  Then I remember that I am responsible for my future and off I go again.  This is your path, your map and your choice.  As you go through your healing process and you look with in you will find that under all stuff that was needing healing your wisdom has been waiting there for you all along.   This is your journey, head in the direction of your wise one.

Take Responsibility and Take Your Power Back

Responsibility is not a four letter word.  Really, it isn’t.  Taking responsibility means owning your power and stepping away from victim hood.  We all of ways of being that get in our way of making the choices that will help us get there, yet we are responsible for healing those parts of us in order to live the life we want.  If we want to take our power back it is up to us to do the work, to take the steps that will heal us, free us, and empower us to live the life we want.

It is important to identify the patterns we have created and the purposes they serve in our lives.  Sometimes we find ourselves continually “triggered” by someone’s actions.  This can be a wonderful opportunity to look at what is going on within us that is causing this reaction.  In all honesty, we do not create these patterns with the intention of being stuck.  Rather, they are created to keep us safe and in a familiar situation where we can be surrounded by the known instead of the unknown.  What are the patterns and what purpose do they serve?  Frequently, we find that these patterns do not serve the purpose for which they were intended. I use to always feel alone and I would never reach out for support when I needed it.  I continually found myself feeling rejected and unlovable.  When I did the work to look at this dynamic I discovered I kept myself isolated to not feel rejected or unlovable but there I was feeling that way.  This was self-defeating and a self-fulfilling paradigm that kept me stuck.  There I was in victim hood, struggling to find someone blame.  When we develop a way of being in order to keep us safe we find that we are not, in fact, safe.  We are simply in an unsafe situation that we have become accustomed to.

The next thing that will help us find our freedom is to take steps to heal the pain/trauma that prompted us to create the patterns in the first place.  This is not always easy.  Identifying these patterns and their root causes can be enough to make the changes that will transform our lives.  Other times there is deep long-term core work that we need to undergo in order to achieve the changes we are seeking.springofferwebsite

Long-term work does not mean postponing changes.  We ask ourselves, “What do I want to do differently?”  If you want freedom from a job or relationship or if you are seeking more fulfillment and connection in your life you need to create small steps.  This can feel risky!  Thoughts of failure, worthiness and ability can come up and block us from the path we have created.  This is where the old patterns emerge, trying to keep us in the rut we have been living in.

If you find yourself blocked, it is important to look at what emotions are blocking you and what behaviors are preventing you from moving forward.  Working through these blocks and behaviors are part of working through the trauma.  Keep working on it.  Freedom is just around the corner.

Through this healing process (I recommend working with a professional if you find you are having difficulty doing it on your own) you will find your power, you will find your ability to take responsibility for your actions, behaviors and emotions.  Your reactions to other people’s behaviors will no longer have the same effect on your well being.  You will find that your inner balance will be determined by you while other people’s actions will not influence your actions.  You will learn to detach from others and trust in your own inner knowledge.  One small step at a time you will find you can create the life that you have been striving for.

Begin today!  You are the one with all the power in your life.  You can choose now to take it back.  You can take responsibility for the dreams you have been wanting to achieve all your life.

Choose Gratitude

As a life coach I am all about helping my clients transform their current life situations from what they are tolerating to what they are celebrating.  I mean really, don’t we all want to live a life that we celebrate fully and not just tolerate.

What if making the shift from tolerating to celebrating was as easy as gratitude?  Well, it is!

A lot of people talk about gratitude and being grateful for the good things and it can be hard to let this carry over to difficult things.  The deeper gifts of gratitude come when you can take a situation that can be seen as negative and find the gold within it.

When I was around fifteen years old my family discovered that one of my aunts had a disease that my grandmother also suffered from.  Up until that point my family was fragmented and some of my fathers’ siblings had gone off in separate directions.  When my aunt got sick my family come back together.  The thought process was, we need to support each other and find a way to make sure this illness doesn’t continue to affect our family.

When confronted with this terrible disease we all had a choice, stay separate and alone or come together. In choosing to come together our family grew closer and more loving with each other.  We started supporting and loving each other on more and deeper levels.  We shifted from despair over the disease, to gratitude for the love and support of family.

Tabundhe point of the story is to give an example that we can choose how we perceive things so that we are left feeling grateful instead of depressed or let down.  In this situation I have found the ability to be thankful for this disease that gave me my family an opportunity to support, be supported and know that I have a place to go home.

There are some things that you can’t change, like other people, but you can still be grateful for them anyway.   Sometimes my favorite things are the things that challenge me.  Yes it is great when things are easy and just flow but those things don’t help me grow.  My teenage twin sons on the other hand are neither easy nor simple.  It is HARD!  I am so grateful for the difficulty there.  I continually have the opportunity to dive deeper into my understanding and practice of compassion.  I get to improve my ability to let go and look at the bigger picture.  Whatever it is that I learn from parenting 17 year old twin boys, I find that I am growing and continually becoming a better person.  How could I not be grateful?

What thing in your life are you just tolerating?  What is the one thing in your life that you wish would change?  How can your perspective of this change so that it is transformed into a different situation?  What are you grateful for in this situation?  What have you learned?  How have you grown?  How are you better because of this?

If you can look at something and see what you get out of it before looking at what it may take away from you are on the road to living a life that you are celebrating.  So, I want to challenge you.  Can you look at every situation in your life and find 3 things to be grateful for in each instance?

Celebrate today for all that it is!  You are here, you get to…

 

Allowing and … allowing.

There is a pattern that I have seen a lot lately that relates to so many of our troubles today.  A pattern of not allowing others to be where and who they are.  I see so much fear and anger; so much judgement and confusion.  It seems that many people think that instead of allowing, the answer is to get rid of the people places and things that cause them any discomfort or challenge them to stretch and grow.

This realization started with watching a friend of mine “unfriend” people one at a time because they were questioning or disagreeing with her.  I thought it was interesting to watch her perspective and over reaction (my perspective) to someone asking something as simple as “Why are you doing that?”  I thought about how, if I practiced that in my life, I would quickly be alone with no one to challenge me and also no one to love me.

What if we practiced allowing?  What if we allowed someone to question us without taking offense?  What if we allowed someone to pray in their way, without being right or wrong?  WHAT IF we took our feelings of offense, hurt or fear and looked at how we could grow as individuals through the experience?

There are so many things that influence our reactions to any given situation.   Sometimes our own reaction isn’t understandable to even ourselves.  There have been times when I have wondered why I got so angry with my partner, my kids or a friend.  My reactions are never based 100% on what is going on at the moment.  There is always my pesky perception that gets in the way of seeing things in an unbiased way.

So how can I get out of my way so that my reactions are a reflection of reality instead of a reflection of my perspective?

I need to take ownership in the situation. What is my responsibility in this situation?  What is my part?  How did my actions contribute to things unfolding in this way?  It is so easy to talk about what someone else did while it can be so difficult to open up to vulnerability and allow myself and others to see where I have fallen short.  So I need to recognize where my actions have contributed to the situation and look at how my history/perspective has effected how I am seeing the situation.  There has been more than one occasion where my partner says something to me and because of old stories I interpret what he says in an offensive way that he did not intend.  And what do I do!?  I react as if I have been attacked!  HOW DARE HE!!!!!!!!  This does not happen as often as it used to.  We are both improving in our ability to not project onto each other, but old habits die hard.

So, what can I do to identify what is story and what is reality?

Here are the steps I take to identify what is mine, and where I can adjust in order to respond, not react, from a more centered reality:

I ask myself:

What is real here?  What are the actual words the person used, not necessarily the words I interpreted?

How am I feeling in this moment?

Does this situation remind me of something from my past?

When have I felt this way before?swansun

If, through asking myself these questions, I come to the conclusion that this was hurtful, based on the reality of what is happening at this time, then I will respond to the situation that is before me.

Maybe I can ask the other person:

Was it your intention to….?

Can you re-word what you said so that I can
understand better?

How can we make changes to move forward?

Sometimes one of the best things that can come out of this type of situation, is to find out that the entire problem is based on my own shortcomings.  Now I have the opportunity to:

Repair any harm I may have done.

Look at where I can still grow into a better person.

Elevate myself and people around me.

Learn something new that I can take into my coaching career to help others.

There are also times when I realize, “Wow, this is not my circus; those are not my monkeys”.  When I do find that the difficulty of the situation is not within me then I am presented with, yet again, another opportunity:

How can I be of service?

How can I take my offended ego out of the situation?

How can I come from a place of compassion?

Where might I be able to grow and help the other person grow also?

Taking my ego out of the situation is never easy, but it is a beautiful way to practice being in touch with my divinity and allowing others to be where they are and allowing myself to be where I am!

I guess what this all comes down to is look within, look without and offer compassion.

Sending you LOVE and JOY and ALLOWING!